We seek the engagement of our teenagers more than they seek it from us.
I’m in the grocery store, walking down the cookie aisle, and I notice Milano cookies. Emily and Ellie love these. I imagine surprising them with a bag – smiles spreading across their faces as they gleefully grab the bag, shout “thank you!” and dive in.
You know those moments. When you see a chance to surprise and delight your kids. When my kids were little, their reactions were more predictable. A bag of Milano cookies or French Toast for breakfast always brought smiles and eager fingers grabbing for more. Teenagers are harder to predict. I took a plate of cookies to my 17 year old son. “No thanks, I’m not hungry.” Hmmm. Since when do you have to be hungry to eat a cookie? I tried not to show my disappointment as I left the room, taking the plate of cookies with me.
Why was I disappointed? They’re just cookies. Emily, Ellie and Chad were eating them up. Why did Payton’s reaction matter so much? Because, I realized, we seek the engagement of our teenagers more than they seek it from us.
Over the past several months, Payton had spent much of his time in his room. He’d come out for dinner and act vaguely interested in us. He wasn’t joining in our Friday night movies anymore. We tried to pick a movie we knew he’d like, but he chose to keep staring at his phone watching YouTube videos instead. It made me kind of mad. Couldn’t he engage even a little?
The cookies, I realized, were my attempt to connect with him. To get him to smile. They were about me, not about him. The truth is, he doesn’t need us the way he used to. He’s distancing himself from us so he can define who he is for himself. He has to leave us eventually. Best to know he’s ready for it.
The Frampton Clan 