Talking to Kids About War Is Like Talking to Them About Sex

Okay, so it’s not.

Talking to kids about war is not like talking to them about sex. However, the approach I’m using is similar. Stick with me.

When Mary and Payton were in Elementary School our PTA had a speaker come and talk to us. The topic: How to talk to your kids about sex. It was one of the most highly attended events. Everyone was eager to learn yet…uncomfortable. We’d all grown up with parents who either avoided the conversation altogether or took us through a horribly long, awkward conversation where they never named a body part. Instead they used nicknames. Penis was more comfortably referred to as “pee pee.” Apparently some parents referred to “broccoli.” Yikes.

Two things stuck with me. First – name it. Vagina is vagina, penis is penis and so on. Avoiding the names of body parts, she pointed out, makes them seem like something we should be ashamed of, embarrassed about and ultimately, something we shouldn’t talk about. The second thing that stuck with me – ditch the 2-hour conversation. Instead, have 200 one-minute conversations. One long, awkward two-hour conversation is something you get through. 200 one-minute conversations give kids the sense that it’s safe and comfortable for them to come to you when they have questions.

So, what does this have to do with war? 

On February 23, 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine. After it happened, several experts admitted they were surprised. It was a bold move motivated by Putin’s desire to take back what Russia once had. This is the first time since WWII that an invasion like this has happened among the Western countries. I want my kids to understand the gravity of the situation. But I don’t want to terrorize them. 

We learned Russia bombed a building marked “Children.” Ukrainians had intentionally labeled the building so Russian’s would know civilians were there. “Don’t bomb us” was the underlying message. Russia did anyway. When talking about it, I find myself wanting to replace “murder” with some other, less disturbing word. But then I think about the advice we’d been given – Name It. It was murder, and I should say it. Sugar coating it with less intense words doesn’t explain the reality, and it’s an injustice to the Ukrainians. 

Hearing about and talking about murder and atrocities of war day after day is hard for me as an adult. Adding that to the thoughts of anxious teenagers could be twice as intense and possibly crippling. When 9/11 happened, I remember my doctor telling me how traumatizing it was for kids to see news stories showing the planes flying into the World Trade Center buildings. Younger kids, she pointed out, didn’t realize it was the same scenes being replayed. They thought it was happening over and over, across the U.S. There were terrorized. Specialists started encouraging parents to moderate how much news they watched. 

Learning from the past, we manage the frequency and depth of the news and conversations we have about the war. The news is on the radio in the morning and evening. We want to know what’s happening. Chad and I highlight information we believe is important for them to hear. But we keep the conversations short. 

Mary came home one night after soccer practice. She’d filled up the car with gas and was shocked at the gas prices. “The price of gas is $4.65 per gallon!” Chad and I nodded. We knew the war was having an impact on gas prices. Chad took the opportunity to explain this to Mary. While the war might feel far away, there are ripple effects. War impacts all of us. He didn’t go into a deep explanation of how gas prices are set. A one-minute (okay, maybe two-minute) conversation. 

During a news story one morning, a reporter shared what Russia was broadcasting to Russian citizens. Apparently they’re claiming Ukraine is bombing itself. “That’s absurd!” I blurted out. “Why would anyone believe citizens would bomb themselves?” The kids were making their lunches. I wanted the kids to hear what I was saying. “You have to think about what you’re being told. If it doesn’t make sense – ask questions. Something’s wrong.” We talked briefly about the Russian press and the importance of a free press. Then they continued getting ready for school. Another 1-minute conversation. 

Figuring out what to say to your kids requires a fine balance. You want them to be informed, to understand what’s happening in the world. But you don’t want them to be afraid. As I navigate these conversations, the advice I was given to help me talk to my kids about sex feels relevant and useful as I try to talk to my kids about war. Hindsight will tell.