I’m a big fan of giving kids space. Letting them make decisions for themselves and reap the consequences. When my son was ten-years old, I let him go to school without a coat. It was October in Seattle. Cold, misty, rainy. He’d lost his coat at school and was making no effort to look for it. So, he went to school without one. This was the third coat we’d gotten him. I didn’t buy him a new one until Christmas (my mother-in-law was horrified). Guess what? He didn’t lose any other coats after that. Sometimes kids need to learn the hard way.
But, when the child’s decisions become dangerous – for themselves or others – it’s time to intervene.
Mary has always been self-sufficient. She’s on top of her schoolwork, she is ready for practice on time, she does her chores without being asked. She even helps around the house – vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen. So we give her lots of leeway. We don’t track her grades, or check to see if she’s done her homework. It took us a while to realize something was changing.
It happened slowly. We noticed her mood becoming more testy. At first, we chalked it up to being a teenager. The eye rolling, frustrated comments under her breath. These weren’t new (we get that from all of our kids – it comes with the territory). But they were more frequent and intense.
Eventually we noticed a pattern. Her worst moods were before dinner. She would get really angry if dinner wasn’t ready when she got home from soccer practice. It wasn’t teenage angst angry…it was deep rooted anger. Like she couldn’t help it. This alone was strange, but then, when dinner was ready, she barely ate. She’d filled her plate with salad. No pasta, no Korean beef over rice. Just salad.
“An active teenager needs more than salad for dinner,” we’d comment. “Aren’t you hungry?”
“No, this is good.”
We didn’t go much further than that. She genuinely seemed pleased with the salad. And she’s always done such a good job taking care of herself, even these minimal questions felt pushy.
Then we noticed something else. She stopped eating all of her favorite foods. Fresh bread and brownies are at the top of her list, but she wasn’t letting herself have any. I get watching portions – to keep yourself from eating the whole pan of brownies, limit yourself to one or two (maybe three). But none? We’ve always talked to our kids about eating healthy foods, but we always made space for treats. “Balance” we’d say. “Eat healthy foods AND a treat.”
To this point, we still didn’t know there was a problem. We assumed, or maybe hoped, this was a temporary thing. A teenage phase Mary was going through. Reading this, you might wonder how that’s possible. It seems pretty obvious. But, over her 16 years, there have been so many times that things just worked themselves out. Realizing an intervention is needed takes time and a lot of evidence. Enough to break through the inertia of daily life. The key is to keep watching. We did, and the need for intervention became clear when we saw her playing soccer.
Realizing an intervention is needed takes time and a lot of evidence. Enough to break through the inertia of daily life. The key is to keep watching.
It felt sudden, though it shouldn’t have. People don’t lose weight overnight. Mary was very, very thin.
Her anger before dinner suddenly made sense. She was hungry. Really hungry. Her body needed food. She was eating just enough to satisfy the hangries, then stopping. She wasn’t getting enough calories – that was evident looking at her. The question was….why?
How do you walk to a teenager about body image and eating? What should you avoid saying, what should you be sure to say?
“Mary, we’re worried about you. You’ve lost weight – weight you didn’t need to lose. Why aren’t you eating?”
Or,
“Mary, we’re worried. We notice you’ve lost weight. You don’t eat much. Why are you limiting yourself?”
Or,
“Mary, you’re too thin. We’re worried about your health.”
Or,
“Mary, an athlete needs fuel. You aren’t eating enough given all of the working out you do. You need to eat more calories.”
We tried all of those, and more.
Mary’s responses were dismissive. “I’m fine. I don’t want anymore.” She didn’t reveal anything. She wasn’t talking.
Curiosity turned to frustration. Frustration that we weren’t getting through to her. Frustration watching her continue to serve herself tiny portions. Frustration turned to anger as her pre-dinner hangaries continued.
“No Mary, dinner isn’t ready yet. I got off the bus from work 20 minutes ago. I started it as soon as I got here. You’re angry because you’re hungry. Guess what – you control that. EAT something!”
We called my sister-in-law, who’s a nutritionist. She taught us we should avoid mentioning calories. We don’t want her counting calories – we want her eating what makes her feel good. “Encourage her to eat things she loves – ice cream, bread, brownies.” We did. Mary declined.
She wasn’t listening to us, and nothing was changing. It was time to get help.
“Mary, I’m taking you to the doctor.”
“What?”
“I’ve made an appointment with Dr. Gromko. I think your choices are dangerous for you, and you’re not listening to us.”
“Mom, it’s not serious. I’m fine. I don’t need to go see the doctor.”
“It’s not an option.” We weren’t letting her dismissive attitude win this time.
I could tell she was a little surprised. She wasn’t used to us inserting ourselves like that.
This is how, and where, our intervention began.
I’ll share more in the next post. I’m pausing here because I want to make space to recognize how hard it is to see when intervention is needed. Hind sight makes it seem obvious. But when you’re in the middle of it – it’s not. As I look back, there are a few steps you can progressively take to prompt a change in behavior. And, if these don’t work, it might be time for action.
Admit to yourself that what you’re seeing is true. This might be the hardest part. But it’s the most important. Mary wasn’t eating enough. Mary was too thin.
Share observations. “Mary, we noticed you’re not eating very much.” “Mary, why aren’t you eating any brownies? You love brownies!” “Mary, we noticed you’ve lost weight – including muscle that you need as a soccer player.”
State your concerns openly and explicitly. “Mary, we’re worried about your health. You cannot sustain eating so little.” “You love soccer – if you don’t gain some weight back – especially muscle, you won’t continue doing well, you need strength.”
If none of the above prompt change, Take action. “Mary, I’ve scheduled a doctor’s appointment.”
More next time…..
The Frampton Clan 