We often think of interventions as surprise meetings where family and friends gather around the person of focus, inform them they’ve gone off the rails and insist that change is needed.
That’s not always how interventions go. Intervention is defined as “action taken to improve a situation.” They can be subtle. Our first action was taking Mary to the doctor. We were disappointed with the result.
The doctor met with Mary alone. Afterwards, the doctor met with me. She acknowledged that Mary’s weight was low, but I could tell she wasn’t as worried as I was. My guess was Mary had come across as pretty level headed. Because she is. The doctor asked me about my concerns. I told her. I focused on the fact that Mary was denying herself everything she loves. That she limited herself to salad for dinner, despite having just finished 90 minutes of soccer practice. We’ve been going to this doctor since Mary was born. She knows I’m not one to overreact. We agreed we’d come back in four weeks.
We got in the car after the appointment, and I asked Mary what they’d talked about. Mary said she gave her a list of healthy snacks she could try – Yogurt and granola, a bagel with peanut butter. “She told me to add one of these a day.”
One snack? That was it?! I was perplexed. There was no way adding one snack would make the difference Mary needed. But I was also hopeful. Maybe we were overreacting. Maybe things are okay. I wanted things to be okay.
Over the next four weeks Mary ate her snacks. We returned to the doctor’s office. She’d lost more weight. I also learned she’d stopped having her period.
What happened next is a bit of a blur. I asked Mary what she remembered about the order of events. She didn’t remember either. She did remember this: “You and Dad told me I had to go see a psychologist. I did NOT want to do that.”
Ah, it came back to me. Chad had found a family treatment center for teenagers with eating disorders. It was a multi week program, three afternoons a week. We’d presented it to Mary.
“What about soccer practice?”
“You’ll miss practices. This is more important than soccer. This is your long-term health.”
Missing soccer was, in Mary’s mind, not an option, but she could see we were serious. We gave her one more choice.
“Mary, we’re willing to take you to a nutritionist first. But we’ll need to see some changes in your eating. Otherwise, we’re enrolling you in the center.”
“Okay.”
The first appointment with the nutritionist started with all three of us together. Her name was Michelle. She asked each of us to share our thoughts about Mary’s health and why we were there. She listened as Mary shared her eating regimen. To our relief, Michelle immediately acknowledged that Mary wasn’t eating enough. She said it without judgment. It was an observation.
Before we left, she talked Mary through a new regimen that included three additional snacks every day. She told Mary to eat before every soccer practice and then again afterwards. She supported Mary’s desire to eat healthy food – she added things to the list that were healthy and also contained fat and protein. Michelle made it clear – Mary’s dinner salad wasn’t enough. We stopped at the grocery store and picked up some of the foods Michelle had recommended.
We watched Mary everyday. She was taking more snacks to school. Her mood slowly improved (she wasn’t starving!). Four weeks later, we returned to see Michelle. Mary had gained weight. It was the first time in months. She’d only gained a few pounds, so she was still well below her ideal weight. But this was the first time in months that she hadn’t lost weight, and it was worth celebrating.
They say it takes a village to raise children, and we engaged ours. We told our family and our closest friends what was happening, including the parents of Mary’s best friend. We knew they’d be supportive and respect her privacy. When the opportunity arose, her best friend provided encouragement, “Mary, that looks so good! You should eat more!” Her soccer coach checked in regularly. “You okay to play?” “You want to come out?” Of course, Mary always said she was fine to play and never wanted to come out. But, by asking he acknowledged her situation, he was subtle about it (show of respect) and he made space for her – if she needed to step away, she could.
Over the next few months Mary’s weight went up and down – mostly up. She wasn’t always eager to eat six times everyday. And sometimes she didn’t. But she inched towards her ideal weight and, once she reached it, stayed there. Her period started again.
Looking back, Mary acknowledges that she had anorexia. She’d looked up the symptoms – tendency towards obsessive behaviors, maintaining an excessive, rigid exercise regimen, refusing to eat certain foods, strong need for control, menstrual irregularities. It hasn’t gone away. She’s aware of it and makes conscious decisions to keep herself healthy.
“Mary, what got you through it?” I asked, as I got ready to write this post. I was truly curious – hopeful she’d give me “the” answer. Her response was non-committal. She wasn’t sure – she thought it was several things. She didn’t want to see a psychologist. Her eating was negatively impacting her soccer (she found herself so tired she didn’t want to go to practice). She learned what and how she should be eating from Michelle. She also learned about eating disorders – that she’s not alone. They’re common. Especially among young women and female athletes. I noticed a new podcast in our family feed – Real Pod with Victoria Gerrick.
Victoria is a former D1 athlete who had an eating disorder, and she speaks openly about her experiences. She shares how damaging the environment for athletes can be – physically and mentally. She brings guests on the show who share their experiences. Not always about eating issues. Anything that proved challenging. Through that, Mary learned the pressure she was feeling was real and others experience it too. She learned that her instinct to moderate her eating and follow the crowd might be unhealthy. She learned that eating yummy treats is okay and even encouraged (thank you, Victoria, for being part of Mary’s village).
In August, Mary will start college in Chicago. I asked her if she’s thought about what might trigger her anorexia. Will the stress of the new school, the soccer team, studies, create a desire for control? Will she revert back to her old eating regimen? She answered honestly. “I don’t think so.” For Mary, her eating isn’t triggered by events. She’s got a new regimen that keeps her healthy, and she’s committed to it. I’m hopeful, and I’ll keep watching.
The Frampton Clan 