During the holidays, treats are everywhere. Baking is a big part of how we celebrate so, at any given time, we have lots of different cookies or treats around the house. Stores have special holiday treats too, and, because it’s the holidays, we want to say “Yes” to everything. “Sure, you can have the candy cane the store clerk is handing out.” “Yes, I’ll get you a gingerbread cookie from the coffee shop (and yes please to my peppermint mocha).”
When we get home, the kids ask for a piece of fudge. Hmmm, I think to myself. They’ve just had treats. But the pieces of fudge are really small, and they were really good today, and it’s the holidays…..oh, why not. “Okay,“ I declare, “but eat these three carrot sticks first, then you can have one. But just one.” Those three carrot sticks make me feel better.
After dinner, the kids want dessert. They usually have dessert, so one cookie would be normal. But they’re quick to point out we have so many tasty treats, how could they pick just one? Okay, you can have two.
When I look back at the day, I realize I’ve given them more treats in one day than they usually have in a week. I didn’t mean for it to happen. We can’t keep going at this rate. At some point I have to say “no.” But when?
Chad and I talked about it. We wanted to let the kids have treats but not too many. We also wanted to minimize the time we spent managing them and limit arguments. So we decided on a compromise. We’d let the kids have two treats a day, everyday. Their choice. The only time we’d say “no” was if they’d already had their two treats for that day. Otherwise, the choices were theirs. The time of day didn’t matter. Want a piece of fudge for breakfast? Sure. The type of treat didn’t matter. Payton tended to pick from the two biggest options – large sugar cookies covered in thick frosting.
The kids were thrilled with our new rules. “You mean I can have a cookie for breakfast?!” Umm, that wasn’t the point, but, yes, you can.
On the first day they finished their two treats before noon. The rest of the day was tough as the kids tested the boundaries.
“Pleeeaaassse?!!!” they cried after dinner when we told them they couldn’t have dessert because they’d already eaten their two treats for that day. Reality was setting in.
“You’ve made your choices today, and I hope you enjoyed them.”
“But Mom, it’s just one small piece of peppermint bark!”
“You can have a piece tomorrow, if you want to.”
“But tomorrow is so far away! I haven’t had a treat since lunchtime.”
“True. You finished your treats early today. That means you had longer to wait. That must be hard. Tomorrow you’ll get to make a whole new set of choices. Maybe you can save one of your treats for later in the day. I look forward to seeing what you decide to do.”
The first two days were the hardest. The kids tested us to see if we’d stick to the rules. The best outcomes happened when we didn’t waiver. We knew we’d succeeded when the conversation changed.
“Mom, are you making shortbread today?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because I want to save one of my treats so I can have some tonight.”
(Silent celebration ensued)
Two for the price of one. Our intent was to manage how many treats they ate, but we got a second win. We got to watch the kids learn about delayed gratification and see the choices they made.
Key to success:
- Make sure you and your partner are committed to whatever you declare
- Tell the kids the rules before you start
- Stick to your commitment*
- Hold the kids accountable and capable
*If you find you’re unable or unwilling to stick to your commitment, rethink it. It’s okay to make a change. Maybe two treats is too few. Four? Okay, as long as you’re clear with the kids and you’re ready to stick to the new declaration. Repeatedly giving in will reinforce that begging works, and the kids will use that. For us, that was a miserable outcome, so a few days of tough love was well worth the long-term gain.
Thank you Jane Nelson, for your book Positive Discipline. You taught us the words and gave us the confidence to hold firm in situations like these.
The Frampton Clan 