Saving kids from disappointment takes away an opportunity for them to learn they’re strong enough to handle it.
When Mary was eight years old, she wanted to get her ears pierced. Some parents don’t want their kids getting piercings until they are older. My husband and I were indifferent. However, we knew it was an opportunity. This was a chance for us to encourage Mary to set a goal.
I was hoping for a goal that would really push her. Something she’d be nervous to try, or something that would feel really hard. Chad got to her first.
Chad told Mary if she scored a goal in every soccer game of the season, she could get her ears pierced. It was very promising for Mary. We were several games into the season and she’d had no trouble scoring. The promise was made.
Each game, Mary continued scoring.
Last game of the season arrived. Mary felt confident. All of her friends knew what was at stake. The only thing standing between Mary and getting her ears pierced was the final goal. There was no question she’d do it, just an eagerness to see the goal scored so she could celebrate.
I remember the start of the game. It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was shining. Families for both teams were on the sidelines getting ready to cheer their teams on. I also remember watching the other team warm up. They were good. Really good.
Uh oh. Chad and I glanced uncomfortably at each other.
The game started. The other team quickly realized that Mary was their biggest threat. And they responded – they smothered her. Mary worked her butt off. She tried everything her eight-year-old soccer playing self could think of. She wore a look of determination. She kept playing, fighting. They triple teamed her. The final whistle blew.
Mary had not scored.
Chad and I were quiet.
As the kids came off the field Mary came straight to us. One of her friends pleaded, “Mary got an assist. Can that count?” Parents looked over, assuming we’d say “Yes.”
“No, I’m sorry. But the deal was she had to score a goal in every game.” I felt the stunned eyes of several parents on us. Everyone was quiet.
Mary’s shoulders fell, she buried her head in Chad’s coat, and she sobbed.
This was the biggest disappointment she’d ever faced. She was so close. Wasn’t it close enough? Ear piercings weren’t that big of a deal. But we couldn’t give in. Giving in would teach Mary the goal didn’t matter.
After we got home Mary went straight to her room. She laid on the floor, buried her head in her arms, and cried for two hours. Occasionally Chad or I went up to comfort her. It broke our hearts. But one thing became clear….Mary was learning a hard lesson, and our job wasn’t to shield her from the disappointment. Our job was to help her work through it.
We gave Mary space. Space to feel sad, space to cry and let out all of her emotions. We made sure she knew we were there, not to save her, but to support her. We acknowledged how hard it must feel. To have been so close. Then, when she was ready, we helped her identify a new goal. She intentionally picked a goal she’d have more control over. It wasn’t easy, she’d been struggling with a particular exercise at school. But as long as she put in the effort, and she completed the work every week, she’d succeed. It would take commitment, focus and determination. We talked through a plan. Two months later, I took her to Claire’s to get her ears pierced.
We stood by this commitment with the other kids too.
When Payton was in seventh grade, he dropped his iPhone one week after getting it. Screen shattered. He’d waited years to get a phone. He was sure he’d been the last kid in his middle school to get one.
Ellie left her iPad on the airplane, in the pouch of the seat in front of her. She’d saved up her own money to buy it. Almost two years of savings.
We could have bought Payton a new phone or Ellie a new iPad. Instead, we followed what has become our three-step plan (okay, not really, but thinking back on it, we do tend to follow these steps).
Disappointment is part of life. If we shield our kids from it while they’re with us, how will they know how to handle it when they’re on their own?
Three steps to helping kids through disappointment
- Share empathy and show understanding
- Give space
- Help them build a plan
Share empathy and show understanding
“I’m sorry. You must be so disappointed.” Give a hug (or lots of them). If they make comments about being clumsy or stupid, make sure they know accidents happen to anyone. “People forget things in the seat back all the time. I’m so sorry yours was an iPad, that’s hard” “I drop my phone all the time, I can’t believe your screen cracked so badly”
Give space
Crying never hurt anyone. And it can be very therapeutic. Remember those deep cries? The cries that exhaust you? But afterwards, you feel almost cleansed. Let your kids cry.
Help them build a plan
“What do you want to do?” They’ll probably get quiet. This is when they’re realizing you’re not going to fix it for them. Let that sink in. “What options do you have?” They may not know what their options are. We told Ellie about the airport lost and found. Payton was older and able to go online himself sleuthing out options. “What do you want to do?” Ellie didn’t want another iPad (full disclosure, we offered to help pay a portion of the replacement costs – she’d still have to save up again, but not for two years). Payton tried a few different solutions. After a few failed attempts, he found a place that could fix his screen. Two months later, it was good as new.
The Frampton Clan 