Want to know what your kids are thinking? Take them on a car ride or drive their carpool.
Yesterday I drove my son, Payton, back to college. He goes to the University of Portland, a 3-hour drive from Seattle. It was just me and him. Our family established an expectation that whoever is in the passenger seat has the job of keeping the driver awake and tending to their needs – unscrewing the top of my water bottle, getting my snack out of my backpack and putting it within reach, or sending a text. All of this to ensure a safe drive to wherever you’re going. So, Payton didn’t put on his headphones and zone out. He sat beside me and we chatted. On that drive I learned a lot, and it reminded me how valuable car rides with kids can be at finding out what’s on their minds.
I didn’t start the conversation. I left some silence and Payton filled in. He’s considering changing majors, and he shared what he learned from a conversation he had with a counselor. I asked some probing questions, like what was driving his desire to make a change. Physics was proving tough. Was Payton running from it? He reassured me he doesn’t love physics, but that’s not what’s driving his thinking.
There would be lulls in the conversation. Then, because there wasn’t anything else to do, Payton would share more.
I learned that he’d been concerned about his performance at school but was feeling better after his counselor made a few comments indicating Payton was doing just fine. Even better than others in some areas, like ‘statics’. I learned that, unlike a couple of his friends, Payton is not considering taking a semester off from school if they go virtual (Covid 19 cases are rising again with the omicron variant and there’s talk of schools going virtual). We reflected on a conversation we’d had with family during the holidays that covered several issues we don’t agree on – politics, women’s rights, vaccinations. Hearing Payton’s reactions to our family’s point of view was both funny and reassuring (side-note, I’m grateful to my family for having conversations like the one we did. It’s not easy these days, and we all agreed we need to keep talking).
I asked Payton if he’d mind taking time for a sit down lunch. I was getting hungry and not much was available – we were well past Chehalis by this point. But a McMenamins was coming up in Kalama – a Pacific NW pub serving handcrafted beer and good pub fare. I didn’t need the beer, but I knew Payon would enjoy their burgers. During lunch, I learned that he’s anxious the tennis courts may be closed and hopeful he can play this weekend with one of his friends who’s a fantastic tennis player and really pushes Payton. I learned he’s hoping to land a job or an internship this summer. After lunch, we hopped back in the car. The last 30 minutes of the drive were quiet. There weren’t many other topics for us to cover.
The drive reminded me of the carpools I used to drive when the kids were younger. The kids would sit in the back with their friends and chatter about life. They weren’t talking to me. In fact, sometimes I think they forgot I was in the car. I heard about tough classes at school, sibling fights, boy crushes, and, occasionally, rule breaking (nothing serious). Kids talk differently with their friends, and I got to see a different side of them.
After I dropped Payton off at school, I took a short walk, got back in the car, and started the 3-hour drive back to Seattle. I don’t like driving, but the value I got from the ride with my son – and the value of driving carpool when the kids were younger – was well worth it.
The Frampton Clan 